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What's the cost?

So if you know me much at all I am sure you have heard me speak of Becky & Suzanne.  These girls have been through so much with me and are true heart friends.  We are all different ages and have very different styles and personalities, but we work!  We used to do so much together, but time has passed and life has happened.  We all admit that we don't make the effort to stay connected as much as we should.  It amazes me that we can go a whole year or many months without really seeing each other or talking much, but when we get together life just flows out of us.  This happened last night. We went out to Applebee's, just the 3 of us, like we did in High School.  The conversation needed a map.  We were all over the place.  We jumped around from family, new jobs, loss, death, the anticipation of dreams let we want to come true but haven't, to hair styles and fun colors, favorite beers, not liking beer, awards at work, Harry Potter, birthdays, New Years Eve, and so many more. We talked and laughed and hurt and held back tears and then we ended the night with a round of shots!  It truly was bittersweet.  I thought a couple times throughout the night that it's ok that we don't stay that connected.  I thought that it's ok that we just see each other now and because we can just jump back in and catch up that were good friends.  I asked myself is this true?  Is that Jesus' model of friendship?  I laid in my bed last night and pondered the cost of this way of being friends.  I am thankful that we do reconnect so easily, but I also realize that this does cost us something.  Sure we can have a night every once in a while and catch up, but really we only catch up on big things.  By not doing life together in a real, genuine way we are missing so much.  So much of life happens in the details and in the mundane.  When you only see each other every once in a while you miss so much of what and who this person is in their day to day life.  You miss who this person is now.  You miss out on having them live out Jesus to you.  I am beyond blessed to have known Suzanne and Becky for so many years and I know we will always be friends.  I also know that God is at work in them and I don't want to miss out of growing with them.  May I never get stuck in the friendship of our youth, but may I pursue friendship and make time to know and be known. 

Thanks for a fun night, my girls!!

Hit Me Like A Brick

I heard in a sermon on Sunday a question. I have wrestled with it for several days now.


"Do I seek Jesus for who He is or for what He has to offer me?"

Let me say that again, "Do I seek Jesus for who He is or for what He has to offer me?"

I grew up in a churched background. I know the answer to that question or at least I know what the answer is supposed to be. So for several days I have wrestled with my answer really is. If I'm truthful, my answer is both. There are times when I do seek Jesus just for who He is, but more often it is for what he offers me or how I benefit from having a relationship with Him.
This is a hard truth to swallow. I feel guiltily for it. Then I hear Jesus softly whisper that it's not about me feeling guilty. I hear Him whisper that He loves me more then I can ever know. I rest in the person of Jesus Christ, fully aware that I am flawed, yet forgiven.

Too Busy!!!

Why am I so busy? Am I as busy as I think or feel?

I often hear this conversation happen or am one in the conversation..."How are you?", a friend asks. "Busy", I reply. Has "busy" become our new "Fine thanks"? Has stating I am busy become my new way to not be open and vulnerable by just simply stating how I really am? 

This thought of being busy keeps rolling around in my head.  I have had a few health issues that have caused me to have to slow down, so I am not as busy as I used to be (which is good), but I'm still busy.  Yet, I ask myself what am I busy with? I make a quick mental list. They are good things, but are they God things?  Am I letting good get in the way of best?  Am I busy with things that cause my heart to come alive or am I just busy because that is the new cool thing to be? I don't want to be viewed by others or think of myself that I am living like Jesus because I am busy with church things or helpful things or kind things.  I want my value to be in Jesus and His good work in me, not in my list of responsibilities.

May my days be filled with the Spirit and not just being busy!!!

Don't Get Angry, Get Better!

So Katie and Aunnie are still in Mexico and Aunnie is responding well to her treatments.  We as a family have had to battle our feelings of frustration and at times anger that there are things out there that can help people, but they are not allowed in the US.  In particular I think Aunnie, who was a nurse for over 30 years, feels very let down by the very thing she gave so much of her life to.  She gave so much to the field of medicine and when she needed it most they had nothing to offer her.  Her doctor in Mexico told her, "Don't get angry. Get better!"  What words of wisdom for us all.  I was quickly reminded of Jesus' command to forgive.  Forgiveness is necessary for any of us to truly live.  Being unforgiving and bitter is such a poison that rots away anything good in our lives.

So today I ask you to continue to pray for my family.  I pray that we would let Christ's love deep into our hearts and let Him to a good, renovating work on our hearts.  May we find forgiveness in Him and Him alone!

Pray ~ Reat ~ Heal

So my Aunnie Teresa and cousin Katie have headed of to Mexico for 3 weeks to get treatment for my Aunt's cancer.  The doctors in the States have given her no hope and no treatment options.  It was hard on the Fam to have them go and harder on them to leave the Fam, but today I am so thankful. Aunnie is finding comfort and relief.  Praise God she is sleeping through the night, which she hasn't done in so long.  I don't know what any of our futures hold, but I know who is holding the future.  I am so thankful to my good God that she is doing well and that we can face this as a family.  I cannot say that I am thankful for her cancer because I am not, but I am thankful for the opportunity to see glimpses of a awesome God throughout this journey. I am thankful for the opportunity to lean harder into the person of Jesus Christ during a hard time.

I drove home from seeing family in Portland last night and just sang praises to God. I sang many songs about how good He is and about how I can trust Him.

So to my God I say Thank You and to my girls south of the border I say Pray, Rest & Heal!!!

Beauty...Rest...and So Much Laughter!!!

So I just returned from a 10 day vacation in South Carolina. My mom and I flew down to visit my sister, brother-in-law, and their 4 kids. What a time we had! I enjoy time with the Macs. We spent several days at the lake where I got to sleep in and enjoy beautiful sunsets. We played in the water and enjoyed quiet time together. There is something to be said for rest and I needed it!

It was so nice to get to be there for Rah's 16th birthday party. My niece is 16...how did this happen? I am so proud of the woman she is becoming. She is such a gift from God. I love her heart for God and am thrilled to be her Aunt. God has blessed her with some great friends. It was fun to get to know some of them and hang out at the lake with them. Rah has her license now too so I got to ride with her. What a treat!


I always laugh so hard with the Mac Family!! They love to
have a good time. We had some great laughs on this trip
and learned some things too...
What does sense right mean?
What does fup mean?
It's ok to tell Texas we have a problem.
Happy Birthday Pookey! (Pookey Pose)
You can add an O to the end of anyone's name.
Alo, as in Aloe Vera!
You can have a swim meet without weather delays.
Talking the entire swim practice doesn't make you faster!
Farmer Joe has good crops.
Men in speedos are still scary!!!

LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL!!!!

Kevin works from home so we got to see him more this trip then usual and that was nice. We got to go to a swim meet while there and loved it. It was so fun to cheer the kids on in their events. Get your game faces on Macs!!! Aunt Amy is so proud of you!!!

I HAD A GREAT VACATION!!!

Change?...Dare I try it!

So some of you may remember a while back I wrote a somewhat controversial blog entry about the Maine Italian Sandwich. This delicacy has been deeply loved by my family for years, yet it wasn't until my sister fell in love and married a man from NH that this great treat began being mocked in our family. Some of you may also know that I can be slightly resistant to change. Well, this topic of change and my beloved Italian Sandwich have collided. Amato's Italian Sandwich Shop a while back came out with a whole wheat Italian Roll. WHAT!!! CHANGE MY ROLL!!! It took me months to just get my mind wrapped around the idea and then another couple of months to get up my courage to try this new creation. Well, I did it! With the support of a co-worker, who was also scared to try it, we tried the whole wheat Italian Sandwich Roll. So I thought it only fair to tell the world, or at least the few of you that read this blog, about our experience. It was unique. It was not the sandwich of our youth. I can't say that I am in love with it, but must lament that it is a healthier option. The roll is somewhat drier then the white and I feel is loses some of it's doughy, suppleness. I can say I didn't hate it and think I could learn to like it! Kimi and I were proud of ourselves...Two Maine girls proving Mainers can change!!!

We remembered.

Memorial Day has passed and what a day it was. We did all the things we usually do- the service, the parade, a visit to the graves, yet it was different without Grammie. I missed her. I cried. I feel very blessed by the legacy left to me. Grammie and Grampa are gone, but there are others that continue to teach me this legacy of patriotism. My Uncle Tony marched in the Harrison Memorial Day Parade for the 40th year yesterday and Aunt Betty marched behind him in the parade as she has done for my whole life. I stood at the graves of the St. John family with my parents, aunts, uncles, sister, cousins, and my nieces & nephew and we remembered the sacrifices made by all the men and women that didn't come home from war. We remembered those that don't get to stand with us today and we say thank you. Memorial Day isn't a day to glorify war, for no one hates war more then those who fight in them. Memorial Day is a day to to stop and remember and say thank you! We sat the night before going through old photos and for the first time in my life I saw pictures from my Uncle Ronnie's funeral. He was killed in Vietnam. He was the oldest of 6 kids and seeing them all standing at his graveside reminded me of the sacrifice. He lost his life so I could live in freedom and that will never be forgotten. So in honor of Ronald G. St. John I say thank you and I remember your sacrifice.

A time to remember

So it is almost Memorial Day, as I have said in past posts, this is a big holiday for my Dad's family. I have gone to the Memorial Day Service and Parade in Harrison, Maine every year of my life, but one. This year will be different- Gram will not be with us. She has been a staple for me on this day. As a little girl I watched in awe as she marched so proud holding her flag, they had to hold her back from out marching all the other ladies. Then as the years passed she marched a bit slower, but march she still did. Time came when she could march no more and it was time for her to ride in the car in the parade. For her it was an loss, an ending. I knew that was true, but I also could still see it in her eyes. Sure she was much older then the Grammie I knew in my youth, but the spirit was still there. She and Grampa taught to stop and remember and that we did regardless of age. Her flag still waved proud, whether she marched or she rode. So we will gather as we have for years and we will remember. We will remember those who paid the price so that we can be free, but we will also remember those who taught us and lived out patriotism.

In Honor of

George H. St. John and Reta M. St. John

You are missed, but not forgotten!

We march for you!

Life and Stuff

So it's sunny and supposed to get up near 40s this weekend. The snow is melting and we are beginning to see bare ground in places. Yay!!! Bring on Spring!

The Olympics start tonight and I'm excited. I love the Olympics. During the last Winter Olympics I got hooked on curling. So fun to watch. Then for Christmas, my nephew Seth, got the Winter Olympics for the Wii and I tried curling on that...I'm no good! It takes talent and I don't have it. Still fun. I am excited to enjoy the Olympic Games. It does my heart well to see so many athletes from all over the world come together. There's something about the Olympic spirit...it seems to make the world feel just a little bit closer!

There have been some big changes at work, but we're still open. I fell a bit more thankful that I have a job then I used to. We've closed 2 programs in the last 2 years and have taken some big steps to save others. The program I work at has been joined with another program so there is only one program director now. It makes me sad that 2 good men had to loose their jobs so I could keep mine. To them I say thank you! I've never loved change, but I am getting more used to it and am often reminding myself that I can choose joy. The changes have taken there toll on many of us. I know that I worry a little more then I used to about the job security. The thing I worry most about is the kids we serve. Where will they go? What will happen to them? I am angered by the injustice of the situation. I am angry that people are losing their jobs. I am angry that kids are put at risk. I pray that the State of Maine will make decisions based on what is right, not based on the bottom line. There are absolutely cuts that need to be made on the state level, but these are not the right cuts. I try to commit my worries to God and let Him do His job. He is God after all!!!

Life is busy and crazy at times, but God is good all the time so I rest in that truth!

Life

So I haven't written in a while. The holidays this year were nice. A little hectic, but God patiently revealed Himself to me even when I let the busyness of the season crowd my heart and life. What an amazing God, full of grace, we serve. So it's 2010...where did the time go? I feel like I should have some big revelation or something to start 2010, but I don't. I feel like I should have some big goal or push, but I don't. I've spent some time talking with God about this and at times have felt guilt, which is not from God, about not having bigger goals. God is showing that I have the biggest and most worthwhile goal of all and that is Jesus, yet the really cool thing is that I couldn't even desire or want to have the goal of Jesus without Jesus.

Romans 11 tells us...
"Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out. Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do? Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice? Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise!"

My prayer is to live consistently in Jesus. To consistently and purposely seek Christlikeness.
I pray that I will live in the bigger story God is telling and not focus on the small role my life is.

So to 2010 I say...Always glory...Always praise!